So I was thinking it was time to give you a real-time update on where we are in this Redemption process. There have been times when I have really questioned my choice to take this journey public. Baring your soul to the masses can be brutal. Alot of folks love *reality* on TV but the IRL reality often seems more than people want to be deal with. But as I began to write this post took a different turn. If you are here, please stay with me to the end. I really need to be heard.
I think I mentioned before that my childhood dream was to become a doctor. It has finally occurred to me that I have become a Christian Dr. Ruth. Ha! It’s never too late to walk into your destiny! :D
I like the topic of sex. Not in a weird way. There just seems to be so much mis-information out here. I was certainly ignorant sexually for the longest time. There is such a schizophrenic general cultural attitude about sex. Sex is nothing. Sex is everything. If sex is nothing (or whatever we want it to be), why do we even need the term “casual sex”? We chase the ghost of true intimacy in “casual sex.” But something within each of us testifies that we were meant for more...
Because sex is such an integral and important piece of the Gospel. Sex is how we all got here ( I know you know that. :D) Unless I missed something even the in-vitro babies require an ejaculation! But people just don’t seem to know what to believe. I saved a random comment from a HuffPost Blog where someone named Eric (perfectly) stated, “People confuse the mixing of genitalia with intimacy.” People will use the words sex and love synonymously. ( Have sex?, make love?) But they are not synonyms. I don’t care how much or how loudly the message of “free” sexual expression reverberates, there is no such thing as “free love,” i.e., sex without commitment and/or consequences. Author Lauren Winner says that with sex "your body makes a promise even if you don't." Sure you can do it without marriage. You can do it with a stranger. You can do it with whomever but without covenant it is a counterfeit. I will say it again, love and sex are not the same thing. They are designed to be related, but they are not the same. At the heart of the sexuality issue is the the truth that we all, men and women alike, want love. We want intimacy. We want connection. Ultimately, we want God.
Man and woman are the image of God. Sex was/is God's tangible gift of expression-- an image and representation of the wonderful, out of this world UNION that He has in store for Christ and The Church (those people who will accept God's love and responsibility for their lives). Sexual union is a taste, a picture of the beautiful things to come.
Our ideas, beliefs and behaviors about sex are an indication of our faith, a mirror of what we believe about God.
So yeah, I have officially picked up my degree. The PhD in All Things Sex. I know I seem credential-less, until you count the 32 years of *research* I have on the subject. Experience makes all the difference. The world wants to dumb sex down. To make us think that our sexual practices don’t really matter. That we can do it however we want. But I want to sex you UP. To ask you to consider why you believe what you believe. Let me tell you what
I was pregnant THREE times before I married. THREE.
It has been 30 years. But I remember that autumn day in 1982 like it was yesterday. It was just three months into my sophomore year at Spelman College…I was nineteen, happy, eagerly preparing for a bright future in medicine. I remember walking off campus early that morning, alone, to board a MARTA bus for downtown Atlanta. My destination: Planned Parenthood. This was in the days before Dollar Stores and First Responses. Once there, the whole process took less than half an hour. I can hear the woman’s cool voice even now. “Well, you’re pregnant,” she said.
I broke down and cried.
Several days later I boarded another bus, this time a Greyhound heading home to Alabama. I’d called and told my mother and (against her wishes) scheduled myself an appointment at a local Women’s Center for that next Saturday.
It’s funny. Until today, until right this moment I hadn’t realized that that Saturday 30 years ago takes a three-way tie for the worst day of my life.
Pregnancy termination with only local anesthesia costs much less expensive than with a general anesthetic. As my frugal self lay there on the table I could not stifle my reaction to the terrible pain. Responding to my screams the nurse (?) attendant kept saying, “Charlene, Charlene, calm down Charlene.” Amid my loud cries my mouth was unable to whimper what my heart and mind strained hard to declare, “My name is Sharmayn... My name is Sharmayn.”
I say all the time that there is a reason we are a world with a billion dollar pharmaceutical habit. Our lives are broken. Our souls have fallen and they can’t get up… Without Jesus.
I
I’m gonna go ahead and say it so that I can get free. This is a part of my story I have not previously shared publicly. Abortion is not a choice. Well, it is. It is a choice to murder. Everything we do as humans in these physical bodies has a spiritual implication. Some deceased philosopher has said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Truth.
I did this. I am just now — 30 years out — investigating some of the many agencies and ministries dedicated to healing the post-abortive woman. I wrote before about how so many of us Christians are forgiven, but not healed, because we simply won’t/don’t confess. When we confess we agree with God. Confession is the doorway to healing.
So here is my public confession, three decades after I took the like of my child.
Dear Lord God,
i know that You forgave ALL of my sins in Jesus Christ, Your Son, long before i was even born. i confess (and repent) that i acted in complete ignorance and rebellion to You in the fall of 1982 when i ended the life of my child. i agree with You that it was wrong. Evil. A grievous sin against You, my child, her father, the man i eventually married and my other children. i am so sorry for what i did. my child had a right to be born, just as i did, just as anyone does. Thank You for forgiving me God.
Now please heal and deliver me, Lord. Free me from the sabotage that i allowed into my life when i made the *choice* to disobey Your command against murder. i understand that we cannot break Your laws, we only break ourselves against them. i understand that Your commands are good. That we are not punished for our sins are much as we are punished by them. i agree with You that it was murder. Abortion is murder.
Now God, please use my story to free those who believe abortion is ok from their complicity and blindness. And free those women (and men) like me who chose this life altering path from their grief, regret, pain and suffering. Give them healing and deliverance Lord.
Thank you for cleansing me with Your hyssop and washing me clean. i am Yours. Fully Yours.
In Jesus’ Sweet and Perfect Name I pray.
_______
"There is therefore now no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Romans 8:1
to be continued...
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